Whats On My Mind The Most, Is On My Mind Everyday

Listen (play while reading)
him.... as i'm sure for most of you out there 'he' is on your mind... the guy you like maybe? the guy you lost?? or are you one of those people lucky enough to say 'the guy you have'  the guy many other people would fight and go to any lenghs to call there own, the guy people dream about and wish on a star for, or are you the person who sits back too scared to make a move too scared to say anything, too afraid to get hurt, or the person who gets up, tries day in day out to get somewhere with the person you love, fight for the feeling that one day he will be yours even if it seems highly unlikely, or the person who sits there and cries that you will never have him, never be able to call him your own and watches him with his girlfriend thinking 'i'm not as pretty as her'  'she is amazing'  'why can't i be like her' ..... me you ask?? 

i'd say i'm a bit of all three.... at the begining i sat on the fence watching him from affar, of course i was having a hard time just coming out as gay to people i didn't have time for those other feelings, untill i was thrown into the front seat when my '''friend''' told him how i felt.. not just him.. at least 20 other people in my class (lets not dwell into that story too much) even though he knew i liked him i sat on the fence... for 9 months  my ass must have been sore...

i then go onto the second kind of person, thanks to some courage and advice from a friend i wrote my feelings and plucked up the courage to send them to him, i don't know where i found this courage from when before i was too scared to look at him or to say hello to him, i am very happy to say i got the most amazing reply and i will remember what he said for the rest of my life.. i felt amazing and glad i did it

That brings me into the third person, we know where we stand and i want to be with him more than anything in the world, i have never felt this way before, i see him everyday with his girlfriend licking his face off in front of me you may think it's cruel... i agree but no i don't sit there and cry no i don't say 'she is so pretty' 'he will never choose me over her' whats the point of crying, i still fight for him even though there might only be a minute percentage of hope and maybe he will never choose me but i can still try and have hope because hope is a very dangerous thing to lose.

maybe there is a chance he will be like me and will be with me one day, maybe just maybe... but what can i do?? i can try my best and if i fail i guess i will sit there feeling like no man will want me and belive me i have been there but i will get back on my two feet and try again or think no.. no joe  it's time to move on and in time i guess i will have to accept that and move on, i feel like i am on a balance now, i could just give it all up now and go loving someone else, or carry on the way i am going, i'm happy and the support from the people that care about me keeps me going.....

i love him and i am not giving up if there is hope (even the tinyest bit of it) why leave it and move on?? don't, it might seem silly of me to have loved a guy for more or less a year a guy who isnt gay (as of yet) and a guy that has a girlfriend (as of yet) thats what i say to myself everyday when he looks at me or smiles at me it can turn a rubbish day where everything has gone wrong too an amazing day where i feel on top of the world, i can say that yes there is a chance we can be together, have you ever had that guy in your life?? are you in the same boat as me?? take some advice, just don't give up! if you fail you can always live with the fact that you tried and you just didnt walk away from what you loved, i know it sucks and some days the emotional pain is too great, it hurts inside but we fight through it and we WILL get what we want in the end, if you fight for it you will get your masterpiece

while writing this i was watching Dreamgirls (which is why i put the song on at the begining, i know how creative!)   "the time has come for my dreams to be heard" "they will not be pushed aside and turned"   that says it all, dreams are ment to come true of course, don't stand there and let your dreams be pushed aside and turned away, i'm trying my best with my guy and i'm not giving up yet, i really feel this could go somewhere.. and of course if it doesn't i will find someone, just like anyone reading this will and just like anyone in the world, there is someone for everybody out there!   Dreams play a big part in our lives and if you fight they WILL wont 'maybe' come true!

"this is gunna turn out to be a work of art. but the artist usually tweaks things till it's perfect, so a little waiting is a good sign. a sign that somewhere down the line, you'll get your master piece"

"Listen to the song in your heart"

I'm done here, i've poured my heart out into this blog and said what i needed to say, i know what to do for myself, i know what choices i've made and how things will go, maybe you should think and choose to be the person that says yes and actually tries to make things better for yourself and who doesn't sit there and cry and who thinks there not good enough..

- But now i've gotta find my own.. my own

now enjoy the rest of the song <3