Horizons

I've done a lot of thinking lately, of as always i need to 'blog' it out, and of course from my other blogs there is this guy that has been a really big part of my life for a year now, i mean 80% of my thoughts have been him, a mention of his name gives a warm and comforting shiver down my spine, whenever i think of him, it can just lighten me up, when i see him i just get butterflies instantly, him borrowing my calculator was the highlight of my day, he even stand up to his friends if they say anything to me, you don't get many of those guys around...he just means so much to me.. I don't even go out with him! he has a girlfriend so what am i doing to myself??

This is what i've had to think about recently, i mean a year loving someone who isn't yours? that isn't a healthy to do, i've tried to move on in the past but the pain of trying to do it was so unbearable, like how could i just stop loving this guy i look up to and have a lot of respect for! but... realistically i know we will never be together, he isn't gay, he loves his girlfriend, and i have been a bitch to her and it isn't fair for me to be like that, i'm sure she is a very nice person,, heh she must be if she has him and i don't ;) ...

What is there for me on the horizon?? it hurts so much having to go through this, i mean i have pretty much moved on from the guy that meant everything to me for a whole year.. i think i'm going to leave the boy book on the shelf and focus on things like my studies, they seem like the most important thing right now, i will just have to adapt to not having those feelings there :( of course i will have a special place still in my heart for him, i can't just forget those feelings, i gained a friendship out of this and that is so much more than what i expected.. sure it didn't go the way i hoped... but does anything?